Anywhere but where I want to be

Panicky a bit, and disgruntled--

am trying to focus on drafting a paper due Thursday afternoon, and am having more trouble than I hoped for. Wanted to get at least half of it done tonight . . . is sitting somewhere between 25-35% done at the moment. Is a lot better from having nothing, but I'll have little time before 9pm to work on it tomorrow.

And I'll have to finish it tomorrow night, regardless . . . this is not where I want to be. But, of course, this is my fault--entirely, for neglecting everything when in Wisconsin.

Academically, spiritually, emotionally, creatively--nothing is where I want it right now.

After I can stop worrying about this paper, things should be much better. I have been much more productive over the last two days than any other similar period this month, yet I *know* and rightfully dread the anguish I am setting myself up for tomorrow.

Drafting the arguments for my paper, I felt terrible--kept second-guessing my ideas, thinking "there's going to be something a lot stronger that will flare up only after spending hours on these weak ideas." At the moment, I have drafted my core ideas with one exception that I must revise, and have gathered almost all the citations I should need. This really is the hard part . . . but revising the failed point isn't going to happen tonight, and I can't comfortably move forward without having gathered all of the evidence I'll use.

I am . . . well, I will be better this time two days from now. Until then, I'll just have to suffer.