"I am drowning, I have lost it all, I am losing; help me to breathe"

I am two paragraphs into my English "Synthesis" paper, and about a page and a half into my Philosophy paper...

at this rate, it'll be smarter to finish the Philosophy paper tomorrow, and focus on getting what I need to hand in (English) finished along with beginning a crash-course review of the material I'll be tested on after class on Tuesday. Which seems largely pragmatic, but I find it depressing seeing how I still can't will myself to work on these assignments a little harder.

Sure, I finally got my party down to the 8th floor in Demise, but there... ugh...

If I had to talk to the Dean of the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences right now, instead of at 2PM tomorrow, I would probably drop out this semester. I'd drop out with five weeks to go.

I have my summer plan set up, and I'll give finding an impersonal, techno-based job (like data entry) another go, but inbetween is tricking me.

A lot of people would discuss something like this with some form of significant other--whether a fuck buddy or a legitamate, intellectual companion, they would bore them for a solution instead of writing on a bleak digital wall like this. Self-pity... my grace period for that is just about up as well. It is ...

fleeting.

I miss my power. I miss being respected out of fear by a populous of 2,000 or so conforming lemmings. I miss yelling down a busy hallway at no one inparticular and revelling as just about everyone increased their step by a pace or two.

I miss being a cold-hearted bastard.