Changes
"Maybe I should stop praying for a miracle"
from Splashdown's So Ha!
Because Denver didn't seem too bad. The worst of my first visit to what I currently hope will be my home in 13 months came from my mother's abysmally cynical attitude about everything--but parental proximity on "vacations" is always, for the family type, amplified.
We witnessed an unusual all-day downpour (vantaged in an airport, a rental car, an exceptionally good Chinese buffet, and a hotel room), visited the Denver University campus, traveled about two hours west into the mountains, and ended things downtown.
I like mountains. I have never skied or snowboarded, and have only on three occasions done rock-climbing, but I like adventurous landscapes--those that are almost impossible to find in the midwest. And I also enjoy sections of cities that have a barely-identifiable aura of unique culture. Places that don't smell of piss and aren't too saturated with the sounds of honking horns, but are still surrounded by millions of unique (to varied degrees) souls.
Chicago offers a much better cityscape, especially from the lakefront and especially at night. As cities go, and home-bias may be partially to blame for my perspective, Chicago makes more sense than ones built away from larger bodies of water. But what I usually experience in Chicago I experienced just as much of in Denver over just three days--Denver has mushroomed in population since my entering this world, but between two and three million seems to offer more intimacy than Chicago.
I am conflicted... because there is a part of me that is shouting against my desire to transfer and move even further. But I... as far as I can tell, this feeling is most likely the uniquely human trait to fear perceptible long-term change. Next most likely would be the inability to feel at home away from home--a more specific stemming of the previous blame. But there is a chance that this is some psychic call of warning...
And, thus, I feel scattered. I will be back in DeKalb two weeks from now, never to return to this household as "home." Having confirmed that Denver and its university are more pleasant, though not perfect, than repellant I am able to more clearly place myself come September 2006. And having visited the Denver University (if there's one thing I very much prefer of NIU over DU it is NIU's acronym) study abroad office, hearing that chances for studying in Iceland are "very good," as well as hearing from just about everyone how adamant the university is in encouraging its students to study abroad, I also better place myself come November 2007.
In both situations, I am far away from here--further and further away. Distanced from the teachers that helped instill my personal disciplines, the friends and enemies that have honed my interpersonal personalities, and, of course, from that one girl I never really came to terms with.
So I sigh.
This path looks lonely. For several years I have preached of the unique strengths loneliness offers against extroversion, and now I am staring into its eyes from a distance closer than ever. This is a chance to prove I really can forge my own way into this world as well as a chance to find new allies to call when in dire situations, but this chance suggests I really won't see many of "them" again (whomever "they" all are).
Specifics are hazier than ever. During that last year of highschool I had been predicting the finer details with increasing accuracy, and I became comfortable as I discovered familiarity in individual moments. I knew that change was coming--entries dated more than 12 months old hopefully show levels of that. But now those changes are right at my doorstep--three gigantic ones bigger than any I have previously faced.
So...
"It's all up to me if I want to sit at the head of the table"
again, from Splashdown's So Ha!
from Splashdown's So Ha!
Because Denver didn't seem too bad. The worst of my first visit to what I currently hope will be my home in 13 months came from my mother's abysmally cynical attitude about everything--but parental proximity on "vacations" is always, for the family type, amplified.
We witnessed an unusual all-day downpour (vantaged in an airport, a rental car, an exceptionally good Chinese buffet, and a hotel room), visited the Denver University campus, traveled about two hours west into the mountains, and ended things downtown.
I like mountains. I have never skied or snowboarded, and have only on three occasions done rock-climbing, but I like adventurous landscapes--those that are almost impossible to find in the midwest. And I also enjoy sections of cities that have a barely-identifiable aura of unique culture. Places that don't smell of piss and aren't too saturated with the sounds of honking horns, but are still surrounded by millions of unique (to varied degrees) souls.
Chicago offers a much better cityscape, especially from the lakefront and especially at night. As cities go, and home-bias may be partially to blame for my perspective, Chicago makes more sense than ones built away from larger bodies of water. But what I usually experience in Chicago I experienced just as much of in Denver over just three days--Denver has mushroomed in population since my entering this world, but between two and three million seems to offer more intimacy than Chicago.
I am conflicted... because there is a part of me that is shouting against my desire to transfer and move even further. But I... as far as I can tell, this feeling is most likely the uniquely human trait to fear perceptible long-term change. Next most likely would be the inability to feel at home away from home--a more specific stemming of the previous blame. But there is a chance that this is some psychic call of warning...
And, thus, I feel scattered. I will be back in DeKalb two weeks from now, never to return to this household as "home." Having confirmed that Denver and its university are more pleasant, though not perfect, than repellant I am able to more clearly place myself come September 2006. And having visited the Denver University (if there's one thing I very much prefer of NIU over DU it is NIU's acronym) study abroad office, hearing that chances for studying in Iceland are "very good," as well as hearing from just about everyone how adamant the university is in encouraging its students to study abroad, I also better place myself come November 2007.
In both situations, I am far away from here--further and further away. Distanced from the teachers that helped instill my personal disciplines, the friends and enemies that have honed my interpersonal personalities, and, of course, from that one girl I never really came to terms with.
So I sigh.
This path looks lonely. For several years I have preached of the unique strengths loneliness offers against extroversion, and now I am staring into its eyes from a distance closer than ever. This is a chance to prove I really can forge my own way into this world as well as a chance to find new allies to call when in dire situations, but this chance suggests I really won't see many of "them" again (whomever "they" all are).
Specifics are hazier than ever. During that last year of highschool I had been predicting the finer details with increasing accuracy, and I became comfortable as I discovered familiarity in individual moments. I knew that change was coming--entries dated more than 12 months old hopefully show levels of that. But now those changes are right at my doorstep--three gigantic ones bigger than any I have previously faced.
So...
"It's all up to me if I want to sit at the head of the table"
again, from Splashdown's So Ha!
posted by SJ at 8/08/2005 06:59:00 PM
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