Eventful
Captured and refilmed part of The Burning Five this weekend, along with attending a family birthday and stopping by the Bristol Ren Faire on one of the hottest days of the year. Rather easily the most I've done over a 7-day period since my last finals run.
But there is always some bad with lots of good--foremost, it appears the bar Slide (Tantalus Theatre's latest show) is running in happens to be 21-and-over only. With the amount of new footage acquired for The Burning Five, I almost fear placing the new against the old--there is less old to work with, and all involved have learned many lessons over the last 8 or so months. And there is the reality that another summer break--likely my last fully in (or near) Chicago--is closing.
That last observation was very much welcome until the end of the last week. Next to nothing has been happening in my life aside from losing direction across various RPG platforms and the last of my first set of occasional work days. But re-emerging in society, especially backed by like-minded (but not /too/ like-minded) friends, has again been an opening experience.
Post-filming the other night I talked to Scott for maybe 5 hours hitting on a multitude of mostly-retrospective/reminiscient topics. All of my peers are breaching into unknowns and are largely realizing it. Some have been slow to get there, and in my case there has been less change behind me than I see now in front of me, but now we /all/ face our crossroads. We are all making weighted decisions.
I have a phone number grabbed by ridiculous chance that has mocked beckoningly since being acquired. Levelling with it I could face such a scorching wind that my entire path would succomb and distort. These are seven digits (and an area code) that could explode a large measure of my past into eternal oblivion.
Or I might have written a number incorrectly, and the act wouldn't make even a dent. Or more likely I will continue keeping that number as a lingering reminder of what I chose to give distance to so that it will continue carrying those lessons. Or it could boost my life-situation somewhere I've long dreamed of, to a place I've found in few moments outside of my imagination.
I always find myself looking back when no one is looking. Never in public, but almost always when left solely imagining. I find myself weighing mistakes and looking for lessons that maybe I missed the first and fifteenth time through something that now exists only in memory. Wonder secretes in me and pulses as it asks, eternally, a single question: "Why?"
That number, as far as I can gather, was never meant for me to find. I should never have taken it, even as openly as it appeared. And I've never wanted the entrance back into that chapter to happen via such a shallow device--but I've never been a gambler. Recently, measures seem prudent that I forego chance and dial a forsaken relationship. What has always been a seemed impossible hope will soon become a good deal more impossible.
There is an infinity of possibilities to which direction I will decide for my future life. I don't know, for sure, what I will do. There is an infinity of possibilities standing face-to-face with me right now, opportunities with doors that will close in one week, and in two, and even more that /will/ disappear in no more than three months. And I don't know, for sure, what I will do.
But I want to try.
But there is always some bad with lots of good--foremost, it appears the bar Slide (Tantalus Theatre's latest show) is running in happens to be 21-and-over only. With the amount of new footage acquired for The Burning Five, I almost fear placing the new against the old--there is less old to work with, and all involved have learned many lessons over the last 8 or so months. And there is the reality that another summer break--likely my last fully in (or near) Chicago--is closing.
That last observation was very much welcome until the end of the last week. Next to nothing has been happening in my life aside from losing direction across various RPG platforms and the last of my first set of occasional work days. But re-emerging in society, especially backed by like-minded (but not /too/ like-minded) friends, has again been an opening experience.
Post-filming the other night I talked to Scott for maybe 5 hours hitting on a multitude of mostly-retrospective/reminiscient topics. All of my peers are breaching into unknowns and are largely realizing it. Some have been slow to get there, and in my case there has been less change behind me than I see now in front of me, but now we /all/ face our crossroads. We are all making weighted decisions.
I have a phone number grabbed by ridiculous chance that has mocked beckoningly since being acquired. Levelling with it I could face such a scorching wind that my entire path would succomb and distort. These are seven digits (and an area code) that could explode a large measure of my past into eternal oblivion.
Or I might have written a number incorrectly, and the act wouldn't make even a dent. Or more likely I will continue keeping that number as a lingering reminder of what I chose to give distance to so that it will continue carrying those lessons. Or it could boost my life-situation somewhere I've long dreamed of, to a place I've found in few moments outside of my imagination.
I always find myself looking back when no one is looking. Never in public, but almost always when left solely imagining. I find myself weighing mistakes and looking for lessons that maybe I missed the first and fifteenth time through something that now exists only in memory. Wonder secretes in me and pulses as it asks, eternally, a single question: "Why?"
That number, as far as I can gather, was never meant for me to find. I should never have taken it, even as openly as it appeared. And I've never wanted the entrance back into that chapter to happen via such a shallow device--but I've never been a gambler. Recently, measures seem prudent that I forego chance and dial a forsaken relationship. What has always been a seemed impossible hope will soon become a good deal more impossible.
There is an infinity of possibilities to which direction I will decide for my future life. I don't know, for sure, what I will do. There is an infinity of possibilities standing face-to-face with me right now, opportunities with doors that will close in one week, and in two, and even more that /will/ disappear in no more than three months. And I don't know, for sure, what I will do.
But I want to try.
posted by SJ at 7/24/2005 10:45:00 PM
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