If you are near to the dark

Sadly, I am letting another shortsighted comment explode into an argument that might erase another friendship. But, especially seeing a character almost trait-for-trait the same as my own on stage last night, I realize I am a man that does things this way and will refuse to budge just to make everything all better.

See, I made a nameless attack against people who end blog entries with "I love " and it struck a chord with a good friend. Now we have both replied, on Xanga, with long-winded rants. I won't yet detail the stylistic differences between our responses, but it's the innate differences between us: how I was able to stand firm in my adoration for Jane through junior year and mess with (psychologically) the women who tried winning me while he accepted an invitation over the summer.

It is an interesting what-if scenario had a women approached me immediately following my rejection--but, in retrospect, and in the past probably, I contend I wasn't desperate enough to allow anything below my enormously high standards.

Writing honestly and publicly is extremely dangerous: since everyone can see it, and since many times words to the less literate (this is egoistic, but drawn from how I have always felt literarily superior to, at least, my peers) are misinterpreted, rifts are made that wouldn't have appeared had my mind been less visible.

And I have yet to find a positive aspect that counters that fairly. But I hypothesize that, eventually, respect for my honesty will outweigh contempt drawn from my honesty. Without ruining the play (since that was the core of the first scene), this is a pretty blind hope.

I've done a tremendous amount of writing tonight... apparently a gaming club meets right about now in the building opposite mine, but I feel drained right now. Drained and, honestly, a little worried--

to the point that civil discourse might now appear impossible. Which would be a tremendous blow against the image I've held of the friend that now teeters on the brink, because I felt I only had one contemporary in my graduating class, and I thought it was this friend. But if this matter can't be solved civilly (that is, if personal attacks are made), it means I am even more alone in my views of this world than I previously thought.

Though loneliness alone (hmm...) doesn't much phase me, I consider that this is but /early/ February. This is the month I need the few people I've trusted share a world view similar to my own to give /me/ the advice--what I need least is finding out they were so many steps below my viewpoint, as the one now threatens to possibly tear at me in my weakest month.

I will live through this, if I am not tragically/freakishly murdered, but I fear this will largely draw me away from focusing on course work.