Plans within plans

It has been kind of cold--every now and then my body shivers an awkward breath that fills my yet-damaged lungs and I let out a shallow cough. My nose still feels like it is more used to an oxygen ring hanging from it, still bleeding in the morning. My vision gets weak long before my mind tires... double-vision, blue pulses running across my eyes; I have to close them, sometimes for hours.

And I can hardly begin to imagine the work load I need to start stabbing at next week--even if I drop COMS100 and PHYS180, I'm not so sure I can catch back up.

I almost started playing my brother's copy of Metal Gear Solid 3 this afternoon, but I decided I didn't want to play anything that "real" or that "slow." I'll try renting Devil May Cry 3 this weekend because I think it's more of what I'm desiring at the moment--relentless carnage, killing demons in a red coat, with cutscenes directed by Ryuhei Kitamura (Mr. Versus).

It's not all bad. My lack of motivation has rarely been worse since before highschool, and I'm still too weak to drive safely or sprint. But I finished watching Broken Saints last night--damned good ending--and I'm back in town.

Broken Saints was good. The beginning was too slow, the middle felt muddled (though that could have been part the setting I watched it in--in my hospital bed), but the end was perfectly stated. The characters were made likable and the story refocused at just the right second and it worked--affirmative messages amidst a plotline filled with absolute despairing horror. The divine aspect, though making it something I feel a bit more self-conscious about when watching in company, worked well too. It was a good order.

I haven't listened to Get There yet, though I did put it on my MP3 player yesterday. Since it's no longer February, I have even less reason to believe boa might disappoint me, but I haven't listened to it yet.

Will be heading to DeKalb to pick up my computer, books, and syllabi over the weekend--probably Sunday. I could likely survive if I went back to class on Monday, but I am unmotivated--especially regarding school. I want to continue my break from responsibility until that morning in mid-March when I'll wake up and know, beyond shadow's doubt, "February is behind me." Because that moment has been as constant as February has been bad, the best February in memory being Sophomore year and things didn't pick up until the next month back then either.

But February is over... the realization will soon come. My computer will soon be back in my basement, and I hope to soon start Devil May Cry 3. Another day of complete lethargy, just one more, and I think I'll have some purpose again.

I haven't written anything creative in a month.

Though I did work on some ideas at the hospital--Frigo and Seth heard one of them.

There's the awkward breath again, but no cough this time--my chest welled with air and released too quickly, like a last gasp before known onset poison...

...poison. Other thoughts have been familiar again. Wondering if maybe this set back might have set me back far enough to see a clearer picture... so far, not really.

But Ray in Broken Saints had it right: plans within plans, patterns within patterns.

Some new plans, new patterns are starting... I am unsurprised how familiar most of them feel.