Stationary questions
Generally, I remember not being very depressed this time of year the last few years . . . yet I am noticing many physiological indications that I am in the midst of a rather oppressive bout, tempted very close, at least outside the mind, towards nihilism. Actually, I think I'm coming out of it about now, but then this is after at least two weeks of harrowing descent.
Yesterday I finally organized (somewhat) the papers that had been strewn across my floor since shortly after returning from my Spring Break near the beginning of the month. I can recall at least three points since March 14th where I stopped to ponder how cluttered my room was, deciding that the exterior disorganization was due to an increased state of internal chaos. The hope is that having finally been able to clear things outside myself is indication that I am returning to a more normal state of being able to keep my chaos inside.
I continue taking small steps forward, but have found myself falling short of where I had projected myself being at this point when trying to plan to here back in November or so. There are things I have done, and there are things that are slowly coming together, but then there are more things that are unfinished and blinking at my idleness.
I try to define myself as a person who can overcome. I task myself with projects that are insurmountable for many people in this world, and then I finish them--sometimes to my physical detriment. The sacrifices I make are moves taken so that in the event I fall, I'll at least land a few steps ahead of where I jumped. The goal is to fly--to soar--as gravity tells me it is impossible.
Little things have not been going well recently . . . but I think I am doing ok. I've had more moments of thinking "it would be entirely liberating if I could die right now, if I could escape everything that drags me down" than usual, and this has worried me enough to briefly consider trying out NIU's psychological counseling services, but I've made it a part of who I am that I always pick up my pieces alone--and then rearrange them into a stronger form than before.
Everything is not ok, security is a lie, hope rides alone . . . and life moves on, relentlessly.
"I'm doing fine, I'm just tired."
Yesterday I finally organized (somewhat) the papers that had been strewn across my floor since shortly after returning from my Spring Break near the beginning of the month. I can recall at least three points since March 14th where I stopped to ponder how cluttered my room was, deciding that the exterior disorganization was due to an increased state of internal chaos. The hope is that having finally been able to clear things outside myself is indication that I am returning to a more normal state of being able to keep my chaos inside.
I continue taking small steps forward, but have found myself falling short of where I had projected myself being at this point when trying to plan to here back in November or so. There are things I have done, and there are things that are slowly coming together, but then there are more things that are unfinished and blinking at my idleness.
I try to define myself as a person who can overcome. I task myself with projects that are insurmountable for many people in this world, and then I finish them--sometimes to my physical detriment. The sacrifices I make are moves taken so that in the event I fall, I'll at least land a few steps ahead of where I jumped. The goal is to fly--to soar--as gravity tells me it is impossible.
Little things have not been going well recently . . . but I think I am doing ok. I've had more moments of thinking "it would be entirely liberating if I could die right now, if I could escape everything that drags me down" than usual, and this has worried me enough to briefly consider trying out NIU's psychological counseling services, but I've made it a part of who I am that I always pick up my pieces alone--and then rearrange them into a stronger form than before.
Everything is not ok, security is a lie, hope rides alone . . . and life moves on, relentlessly.
"I'm doing fine, I'm just tired."
posted by SJ at 3/31/2008 06:53:00 PM
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