Tuesday, April 26, 2005

self-thrashing

The last two movies I saw in theatres that I hoped would challenge me intellectually were Doug: The Movie and Muppets in Space.

I've had about 36 useful hours to touch up this 20% complete draft of my English final which I now must bring in as-is to discuss with my professor tomorrow. Uselessness definately continues.

Similarly, tomorrow night I get to write a 5 page research paper, probably arguing that there are universal moral truths or that affirmative action is morally permissible. That's due at 11am Thursday.

everything seems to be languishing in interrim.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

feeling useless

I don't know what it is about driving to DeKalb that makes me so tired... or why it is so exceedingly difficult for me to commit time to writing academic papers.

See, because, well, here: I'm tired and have a page and a half of a 10-page research paper written. I am supposed to turn in a "rough draft" of this paper tomorrow at 11am. I'll have 2 hours to work on it inbetween classes--if I honestly devote all that time to writing, I might be able to show up with 6 pages of half-decent writing, seeing as how only half the research part is finished.

Maybe I should have withdrawn when I had the chance...

morose

I keep losing my mind, and then I find myself with a new concept merely resembling what was. I lose myself for a week or a month and come back seeing a new world, respecting life in a different way.

Knowing you aren't all the way back together is only depressing when you compare where you are with where you see so many friends. Tonight I am on the verge of realizing, really, why I still hear rumors of students in my high school talking about me. This is the edge of figuring out the distance I feel between myself and the "public."

Confidence is something I have been displaying, in all areas save love, for a significant portion of my life. Confidence is what I was showing last year even as my mind continued breaking with the realization that unrequited love can somehow still inhabit a man in the society that surrounds me. This is another dirge of how ironic I find it that it is the man with a full concept of love, of every minor detail concerning what it requires, is the man that fails to win the "significant other."

How pathetic the audience that calls me "creepy" is to think my motives might harm them. My advice still feels unheeded--the peers I counsel still ready to stab me in the back if it happens I ever become a burden to their reality.

I dream of a life in a world that no longer tolerates what individuals cannot tolerate that somehow works. Beside me, on a starry night staring across a lakefront or oceanview, is a woman filled with philosophy. Neither of us need to smile because we know we are content, and neither of us need to touch or kiss or speak because we trust each other. We listen to a calm wind blow, chilling, and we reflect on how far we have come. Human silence is only broken to yet confirm how far humanity has come.

Television and movies and alcoholics keep implying that I should instead dream of sex. I should dream of undressing her, myself being sure she wants "it," sweating, writhing, shuddering. Smoking would be good, or a draught of what I call poison. Giggling and flirting.

If you are new to following my thoughts in cyberspace, this is usually about a girl named Jane that I fell in love with half a decade ago. She replied, awkwardly, to my invitation to the meaningful relationship I still desire with a rushed declination. I haven't seen her since late last May, and have thusly been made ever more aware that love does not die for me.

Driving home tonight, I thought about it after considering paths of life-philosophy. I thought about how recently I have felt hostility toward my long-held beliefs declaring love is something much less physical than my peers make of it. How if I ever bring up love-philosphy, most are quick to slash of how I've never gotten a girl.

Since this enrages me, they are able to add, if they know my history, that it is "my fault" I lost the only girl I've loved. The line from the thought I wanted to share is this: that how their logic goes asks me not that I can't change my nature, or that I won't change my nature, but how I should change my nature.

If I fail to trust myself, they would lead me to denying the life I want.

It is sick, isn't it? Just because I think I am acting on a higher level, backed by an innocent (and many, I assume, would claim naive) dream, that if I actually want to find a woman I should lower myself to society's standards.

Any that still, after taking the contrasts herein with some consideration, that would rather I drink or party or date, "according to the rules," I say to you:

this world does not need you.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

inconsistently consistent

Rarely do I decide not to post so consistently when nothing is going wrong. In fact, earlier tonight was the first real "wrong" others would find hard to argue since the last post: after filling my Brita water filter pitcher, I dropped it on a hard floor. The bottom cracked off. I wasted an hour duct-taping it back together, but it still leaks...

problem will be remedied this weekend when I go home (likely the last time before May 10th, my final final). What I am setting myself up for is an all-nighter Sunday night unless I can get more done than is likely tomorrow afternoon, seeing I have the last Statistics test before the final and need to turn in a rough draft of a 10-page paper (worth about 60% of the final) for the English class. But I figure this will be the last chance to get home until I move out... thus I take advantage and set myself up for stress.

Still retaining dreams, much more than I was in the other room--though not writing them down, I am apt to forget them by the end of the next night. Tuesday I ran into Rich Schaller and Chris Dzak at different times on the sidewalk--this means half the peers that graduated by my side from DHS currently at NIU. I ran into Dzak later, and finally decided to spend some time with them since I didn't have much else to do and to this point hadn't done more than walked with them for maybe a total of 15 minutes each since the beginning of the previous semester.

Last night I finished my game of X-Com: UFO Defense. I did some screenshot-narration for Frigo, thus finally (I am hopeful) getting a friend interested in the game. Hopefully this interest will soon translate to Laser Squad Nemesis and/or UFO2000 and I'll finally have a face-known opponent to spar with.

I've left myself a little less than 8 hours to complete the last Statistics homework assignment, due in class at 8am tomorrow morning. This, of course, is also the longest homework assignment assigned since returning from my illness. Always setting myself up for failure, to pull out with, considering the circumstances I put myself through, a well-enough average.

Monday, April 18, 2005

I see burning skyscrapers.

This morning my alarm clock shook me out of what I recall being a thrilling dream. I immediately began trying to memorize the key points, less than a minute after hitting the alarm-off button, but was left with nothing but a feeling that I had an impressive journey.

Throughout the day an image keeps coming back to me that I am failing to place with any medium in the real world, game or other story: a small group of strangers, all middle-aged, standing albeit displaying gaping high-caliber gun wounds in there chests. Bloody, almost zombified images--if they were dieing, or undead, or somehow clinging to life I haven't remembered. I think that was an earlier part of my dream from this morning...

...around 1:30PM, I returned to my room and realized how absolutely exhausted I was. This weekend I got less than 10 hours of decent sleep, and it finally caught up. So I tried resting, and eventually my mind lingered long enough to wander back toward dream county.

I took a bus to a hybrid of my highschool and two Hyatt hotels I've stayed in. Outside the front entrance was a small announcement board with a picture of a pirate and words something like, "The most hardcore person ever!" I remember following a group through revolving glass doors into a mostly red-and-gold lobby, and outside the door of a dining room there being a similar sign, a receptionist, and a woman about my age wearing pink clothes and a pirate hat.

The group, apparently an audience I was part of here for this personal spectacle, sighed in collective disappointment. She was a woman--what could she ever do to impress people? She yelled at us: "Who thinks they're stronger than me?" She grinned and glared. Mockingly, she took a few short steps forward, there still being much distance between the group and her.

Somehow, this captivated the audience--captured them, even. They stepped backward for every foot she put forward. I was the only one, man or woman, who was standing his ground.

A second receptionist, a man in a black turtle-neck, beckoned I follow him to an arcade machine. He told me that if I could acheive a high score, that would be enough proof. This game was reminiscent of the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade side-scrollers--like Turtles in Time. The player-characters of the beat-em-up formula looked much like Power Rangers, and enemies ranged from midgets to lawyer robots. Mr. Turtle-neck assumed it necessary to demonstrate, in detail, the controls.

I lost interest and walked toward the pirate girl. "What would you have me do to prove my superiority?" I asked. My stature was maybe a foot taller than I stand in reality, and I donned a black duster coat and steel-toed boots.

Her reply was exceptionally vulgar, so I asked how this would serve as proof, recommending she bid me attempt a more impressive, more respectable feat. I challenged her to demonstrate what she asked of me, sure she would waver.

I stopped my dreaming then.

There are five weeks of classes remaining. In this time, I must complete two Philosophy papers, a 10-page English research paper to post on a skeletal webfront, and a third Statistics midterm. I almost want to have a little more to do--all of this I could, if deadlines differed, complete by the end of this week.

Maybe I'll come home this coming weekend and idle, not focus on a damned thing. Maybe finally talk, face-to-face, to the two friends I've owed some explaining to since early February.

Or maybe that meteor I hallucinated this afternoon raining on the residence hall-side of campus was more an accurate premonition, and Hell will finally break loose in this deceptive interrim.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

encroaching?

Hopefully I will produce about two and a half pages of academic material before turning in for the night, and not just keep playing my game of X-Com until I win (since I've already got flying armor, four functional bases, and am a few days away from finishing research on the first new interceptor craft less than 7 months in-game on Veteran difficulty). Problem is, X-Com is a game that addicts like few others in this world.

And here I am planning on picking up a retail copy of Laser Squad Nemesis tomorrow afternoon--when, tomorrow, I need to produce about four and a half pages of academic material (though it be more a very rough draft than a finalized paper which I must finish tonight).

Last night I went to the last play being officially produced by the school this semester--The Grapes of Wrath. It was an hour longer than any of the plays I have seen in DeKalb, but, though not without its weak-links, was a powerful show. Tom Joad was played by the good TA from my Intro to Theatre section last semester--and he demonstrated his superior ability (over the other TA and the professor). Production values were also among the most detailed I've seen in a show here, which was sadly countered by the smallest audience I've looked across my shoulder to notice.

It was after the play that I started playing X-Com again. Went to bed about 3:45am since the new roommate is at some national guard training program until Tuesday.

My desire to succeed academically this semester is wanting. I plan on finishing but three of the classes I started, and one of them is jokingly easy (which makes it even more a joke that I hear fellow classmates struggling with the material--this would be Intro Statistics). I had missed all but two days of lecture, missed two of three days of review, and still managed to score a 90% on the second exam. Test three is a week from Monday, and half the material is theoretical, with the other half using tables.

I do want to prove my best material in my 100-level Philosophy and English courses, but I have a sinking feeling that the only way I am going to feel challenged in either course is if I continue waiting until the dead last minute to write the papers the professors ask for. Which I want to change this weekend.

But instead I update a number of my own blogs, read dozens of other folks', and have yet to lift a finger toward academic writing in the last 70-some hours.

Topping things off, I have maybe 6 loads of laundry I really should get around to before it gets later tomorrow evening.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The water or the wave?

Just about every little thing I read concerning the life and methods of James Joyce amazes me. Tonight I read about there being some-250 known records of, pretty much, everything that has survived of his writing; notebooks, letters, drafts, etc. I will make a point before the end of the semester to see what NIU's library has to offer of Joyce lore.

I've been thinking, if I do inherit any sort of fame in the future might my earlier writings be published post-mortem? If, by some stroke of fate, it happens that I write some magnificent work of literature, to be researched and discussed for hundreds of years, will scholars track down every blog post, every word document, every notebook page, scrap, and typescript that I have had mind of keeping thus far? Because, well, wouldn't that be something--

two hundred years from now, a university grad student scrolling down a collected publication of my ramblings on some unknown format of data storage, possibly online, possibly a micro-disk thing. Running across this, what will he or she (or it?) be thinking?

I wonder if non-authors have considered this? People that wrote, thirty years ago and now-deceased, in their spare time, if their works would be discovered and published. If they might end up peering from some afterlife, or just checking in every now and then, to see if they have become the next Lovecraft.

If I am lucky (or unlucky if I snap or become some madman hated by Russia... maybe...) they'll find out that I didn't write my Philosophy paper today. Instead, I'm taking my chances tomorrow that I'll have the weekend to write it. Just like I took a chance this morning getting an extra 2 hours of sleep, skipping, once again, my statistics class. Again I /plan/ on making it the next time, but... well, if I'm lucky, they'll figure out what actually happened in another post or two.

Or maybe not...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

"Jesus, something japanese, something japanese"

Three of those last four questions on that philosophy midterm were kind of iffy--being based largely on lectures I was absent for. Absent dieing in a hospital bed, or learning how to walk again after having not had solid food in 7 days. But only time will tell how much of that 20% of the grade it was worth I'll win.

Paper shall hopefully drafted tomorrow, and finalized the following morning.

Other work... need to start considering drafting a 10-page research paper that counts as half a final for English. Customary, there, aren't they? Also kind of wonder what I missed in statistics yesterday...

There's the boring stuff. I think there might've been a dream I could have told about this... ah, yes. A strangely normal dream, in its strangeness. An idea I've been visiting about once a month for the last four years or so--I had kind of hoped it died off with that whole almost dieing off myself thing.

Always new equations in that theme... this summer could prove even more interesting than it was already looking just the other day. Seeing as how I am finally witnessing that I have directions in life.

Rohsiph: I watched an episode today where at the beginning he taught a homeless girl how to fish with gumrappers...
Rohsiph: then he got poisoned, but got the antidote
Rohsiph: and gave the homeless girl a scholarship
Rohsiph: because he's so awesome
(friend): hahah
(friend): i remember an episode where he goes to a nuclear power plant
(friend): and it was awesome
Rohsiph: i want a macgyver scholarship... that'd be something to put on that huge wall in my mansion 10 years from now
(friend): hahah
Rohsiph: "Dear MacGyver--
I need to learn good, but dont have dough.
Can you give me some help?
A scholarship of $10,000 sounds good.
Thanks,
love, you're-awesome-mac-gyver.com"
(friend): haha
(friend): nice

Monday, April 11, 2005

Facing hazard

24 was good tonight. It becomes interesting how many new characters they'll introduce for that particular season, and kill them off sometimes two, sometimes half an episode after they've been introduced. There have been plenty of awesome firefights and Jack Bauer is still TV's video-game action hero. And he'll be starring in a videogame this fall, allegedely.

Plotted my next semester; will see what upper-level Philosophy and English classes are like here, to see if I'll try for a double-major or whether I'll be a little lazier. Also decided to put off needing to commit to a foreign language for another year--if things go my way, I'll figure a way to learn Icelandic instead of anything NIU currently offers.

And I failed to finish my Philosophy paper this afternoon, instead opting to finish the normal-homework due tomorrow and get more studying done for the midterm I'll be taking after class. While studying, I even decided to ditch the work I've yet done on the paper! instead opting to pursue a different topic that I think I'll be able to write easier, and more passionately about: instead of faith being reasonable, I'll consider why the question of evil doesn't destroy the argument of God's existance.

So I'll have some more work ahead of me than I kind of thought... it seems to be going that way a lot this year. But I've been preparing myself to face hazard head-on this weekend: if I botch this week grade-wise, I'll just focus harder to make up for it later on. Will you swallow the water or the wave? or something like that...

There's still comfort in thinking juveniley... in writing like a highschool kid. Kind of.

But that dream I transcribed this morning was really something.

Black sky, glittering vistas on the horizon, all in digital

I woke up in what looked like an ethereal graveyard--if you've seen Raziel's spirit world from the Soul Reaver series or after you've died in World of Warcraft, that's kind of what it was like. Everything kind of a blue hue. I found an energy blade and a plasma pistol, and began exploring.

The architecture was incredibly detailed. Future-age headstones and crosses, and in the centre, an ornate morgue-structure. Or maybe a crypt. Somewhere in this area I found Frigo, and that I was playing a videogame with him, and that we needed to get to the next area.

The sky was pitch black. Far off over the horizon was a mirage-like vista of some red buildings. A little to the left of this vista, further back even, were yellow spires--it must've been the desert zone, we thought. Right of the red, and further down than the desert, was a barely visible teal/turqoise glitter, and behind us was a foreboding demonic purple.

We opened a portal, finding an item in our inventories, to the red area--if you've played Planescape: Torment, it kind of served as a locale like Spire. It was a hub, in the center of just about everything except that purple area, which was the demon world; the final destination.

Once our portal was opened, a particle-filled gateway appeared on the edge of of current area, directly in front of the red horizon. We stepped through, and were taken on a lightspeed journey to our destination. As we neared, we looked to our right, and the turqoise area , we found, was far more elaborate than we first thought: it was a huge, sprawling metropolice of crystalline palaces that reached into the sky like mountains. We hardly had any time, though, before we found ourselves in a boarding-room of sorts in what felt like a large casion/hotel.

We didn't much know what to do, only that we should probably stay away from the "Border Worlds," the spaces inbetween the zones we had noted; my best guess is they were randomly-generated Diablo 2-like wildernesses of some kind of spectral plane. Taking our own advice, we decided we wanted to try and reach the crystal metropolis, and exited the hotel into a gothic-styled city.

It wasn't very red. The sky was still a dark, black, void, in fact. Well, except off to one side, where we could still see that turquoise hue among dozens of glittering spires. The building we had left looked misplaced: it looked like some sort of starport from the outside, where we felt like we were in one of the towns from Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest, though much more spread out.

We actually ran into a fair number of undead creatures, zombies and the like, and had our first battles. Every door was locked among the mostly-roadless city (muddy grass, instead). We went back to the starport, and ran into a character that appeared to function as a janitor of some sort.

He told us that the other portals were down, and would be down for quite a while--we were stuck. So we explored the starport. Turning down a barren corridor to the left of a roulette table, we exited to a cobblestone-floored alley. Set in the middle was a long table, empty, and far on the other end of the area/room/alley were a few thugs.

"Free experience!" we thought, and I fired off a plasma round.

Too late, we realized a heavily-armed police officer was accompanying the thugs. He ran after us and took a hit at me, taking more than half my life down with one shot. We quickened our steps, and lost him in front of a door which had a sign on it. I can't remember the specific words, but it told us that behind the door was the portal control room.

But it was locked, so we turned back around. When we reached the alley again, the table was filled with thugs--three kinds: punk thugs that wielded blunt objects or small bkades, gangless thugs that wore more normal dress and carried longer blades, and Yakuza-like thugs that carried sub-machine guns and pistols. We had crashed some kind of gang-land meeting, and agan were forced to take flight.

Hastily, we made the decision that we should attempt to best one of the Border Worlds. It would be a long, lonely trek, we knew, but we would actually get somewhere. Passing the janitor, now talking to a manager, we set our sights on the yellow-hued zone; probably a desert.

Then, perfect timing, my alarm clock blared: 9am. I got about 3 hours of sleep, I think, though the four hours of non-sleep were largely silent, so I could think peacefully.

Somewhere before the gaming dream, I dreamt up a strange scare-scenario that I think might have precursed Frigo and mine's entry into that ethereal graveyard:

I overheard my former roommate talking about how, the previous night, his cellphone rang as he was driving through the forest back home. In fact, it rang precisely when he looked up at the dark sky and saw a fiery object zoom through the sky. When he had gotten home, he was grimly informed that his sister had been on board a plane that had crashed--he never answered his cellphone, and when he checked the number that had called him, sure enough, it was his sister's boyfriends' cell number.

The newspaper headlines didn't explain much: electrical storms down airplane. The talk shows asked scientists for their opinions; how the downed plane could have possbly, accordng to blackbox information, have reached a speed of 430-something miles per hour. Now, if that is a normal, or even a slow speed, for airplanes, I apologize, but, somehow, it came to me that that was the kind of speed rocket ships exploited to defy the groundedness of humanity and enter outer space.

Electrical storms. Something had happened that, like in the backstory of Half-life 2, sparked, almost immediately, sporadic, unpredictable, dangerous cloudless lightning storms. They almost seemed magical.

I was talking about it with my parents as my dreaming segued into the ethereal graveyard scenario.

Half a paper to write, and lots of Philosophy to study today. Tomorrow, around 2PM, I hope to finally be, for the most part, stress free: enough, in fact, to not skip my Stats class on Wednesday (seeing as how I skipped it again this morning).

Sunday, April 10, 2005

"I am drowning, I have lost it all, I am losing; help me to breathe"

I am two paragraphs into my English "Synthesis" paper, and about a page and a half into my Philosophy paper...

at this rate, it'll be smarter to finish the Philosophy paper tomorrow, and focus on getting what I need to hand in (English) finished along with beginning a crash-course review of the material I'll be tested on after class on Tuesday. Which seems largely pragmatic, but I find it depressing seeing how I still can't will myself to work on these assignments a little harder.

Sure, I finally got my party down to the 8th floor in Demise, but there... ugh...

If I had to talk to the Dean of the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences right now, instead of at 2PM tomorrow, I would probably drop out this semester. I'd drop out with five weeks to go.

I have my summer plan set up, and I'll give finding an impersonal, techno-based job (like data entry) another go, but inbetween is tricking me.

A lot of people would discuss something like this with some form of significant other--whether a fuck buddy or a legitamate, intellectual companion, they would bore them for a solution instead of writing on a bleak digital wall like this. Self-pity... my grace period for that is just about up as well. It is ...

fleeting.

I miss my power. I miss being respected out of fear by a populous of 2,000 or so conforming lemmings. I miss yelling down a busy hallway at no one inparticular and revelling as just about everyone increased their step by a pace or two.

I miss being a cold-hearted bastard.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Breakdancing to King's Field: The Ancient City music

Ragnar decided to give up blogger the other day. That's kind of lamentable, seeing how few folks' footsteps I'd ever want to follow in, and him being one of the major three--seeing how I ditched Xanga just in January. He has done so with good reason--the frotnend has indeed been acting abyssmally lately, causing more posting problems in the last two months than I had in six months with Xanga.

But I swore off Xanga--highschool relations have yet to follow /my/ footsteps, but I needed to increase my distance from some of those relations anyhow.

Ten pages of academia to write before Monday morning--deadline proposed by myself. Five of Philosophy, and five more for English. Oh, and there's that Philosophy midterm on Tuesday for which the material I have been forgetting since getting out of the hospital. All of these things worth, probably, 10% of course grades.

And Monday, at 2pm, is the last chance I'll have to ditch out of this semester entirely. My parents would be somewhat devastated if I felt that way all of a sudden, especially since this move to a new residence hall has been going well, but there is still a lingering dread that supposes I might still consider that. My mind, I have felt, is still not recovered--even now. Lacking focus in too many faculties...

Though dreaming has been returning. And strange dreams have been had--the other night it was, I believe, the fifth "Band Trip" dream that yet lives in memory. I am sure Mr. Brame, beloved conductor, played a large role, and there was a coach bus, and Rob and Jane were both there... but, said with relief, Jane's role was as ordinary as the other peers whose names I have forgotten.

Early this morning I found myself, in a different realm, walking through a theatre. A large, ornate theatre, with a lot of glitz and majestic red curtains hiding the stage. It was a place I've been in before--in my dreams... but back then I left, going back to a hotel room, to confront a familiar face that took the shape of a wall. This time I left, still going back to a hotel room, to confront a boisterous group much similar to the Anime Central group. Which makes a lot of sense, because I have been thinking a lot about this year's convention--it is just five weeks away now, and follows my finals. In fact, I will have my first two days of student-Summer to move back home before it.

But, in this room, among characters such as Emily and Frigo, Ben, Rick, Jordan, and again, less-well-placed (and thus more alarmingly), Jane, and my brother, I... well, the details are failing me.

I think I was building a Lego army, and then was fighting a Lego war, when I found a Lego of the which I doubt exists in this world: with it, I commanded, by thought alone, four nearly-microscopic warships around the room. Jane caused their defeat--either by distracting me, or something more nefarious.

But I determined to find how to repair my new toys. At this point, the dream drastically shifted locales, and I, myself, was looking, first-person, into what I suppose could have been the inside of a wall. Therein, with selection circles out of Baldur's Gate, were a family of spiders. I Mind Controlled them--and sent them to the dock (dream logic), where I also mind controlled a barrel full of food-prepared fish.

Then I had five spiders scurrying and at least a dozen fish flying around the hotel room, wreaking havoc in my name. I think I won.

The obligatory reply to Matthew Rossi was sent off before my self-proposed (there, too) deadline. What honestly took me more than two weeks to complete it I find hard to consider--where did my last two weeks go?

Memories of my old room, and my old roommate, are fading. If I awoke in that bed tomorrow morning, I would feel I was trespassing--even if the time I've spent in /this/ room has been illusion.

I should start one of those papers.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Games you play

I can't much recall what I did today, aside from attending Intro to Philosophy this morning...

I took a walk to the postal box, and I played Demise for about an hour and a half... but otherwise, I'm not really sure where my time went.

Was I reading? Resting?

Ah, right--I was discussing... with one friend I haven't discussed in a few months, and another I discuss with regularly--continued plotting something leading up to summer I hinted at a post or two ago.

Unfocused. Slightly confused with self. But I expect to recover self over the weekend...

I'll have my fun, and some horror too.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

For reasons I cannot explain

Rather than being responsible and focusing enough to carefully read a Philosophy selection /and/ outline or write one of two papers I want done by Monday, I just did the reading. Plus more reading.

Still uninspired concerning writing, but, having again started reading literature, perhaps I'll be returning to that domain sooner than later. I read about 80 pages of John Fowles' The Magus, now only 30 pages away from the half-way point.

It is the most intriguing mystery I've ever witnessed so far--half-truths, double-blinds, lies building truths and everyone but an old man named Conchis with no idea of what really might be going on (including the reader). But I finally picked up on how Nick has been noticing 'a scar on Julie's wrist' ...

I didn't go to my Statistics class this morning; again got sleep, but woke up more tired than I was when I went to bed. So I stayed in bed, and had a good dream:

first I was in some kind of bootleg videogame store. Such a location has appeared in three other dreams in the last year, but this time the location had a neon-blue light to it--a glow. I browsed shelves of cheap Super Nintendo, Gameboy Color, Sega Saturn, and Game Gear games before walking away somewhere.

It was a strange building... maybe it legitamately was a mall, because that's what it felt like when I found the arcade machine, but it had the same neon-blue glow as the store. The arcade machine:

Super Puzzle Fighter 3 Extreme.

The cabinet setup was a lot like the original machine, though a little bigger scale, and a young black boy, maybe 9 or 10 years old, was playing. I asked if I could challenge him before I inserted two quarters. He agreed, and to my dismay, the entire puzzle system was radically different.

Each player's half of the screen was larger; maybe 30 gems tall and 10 gems wide. Also, single gems weren't falling--instead, randomized Tetris-like shapes were dropping, at a speed just barely below 5 handicap (meaning it was quite above level 4 which I am used to). This caught me off guard--as did my fingers, looking down and finding 4 buttons.

Two still rotated the blocks, and there was the normal 8-direction stick to help position a falling shape, but the two extra buttons were new: one determined whether to crash a set of gems, or to build them further, and the other cycled through to bigger possible shapes to crash. When deciding whether to cycle or crash, one had precious little time--less than a second before a new shape began to drop.

It added a lot more depth, strategy, and freneticism to the mix. Realistically, I'd prefer only a slightly more sophisticated version of the original winning formula, but this one worked well enough in my dream.

I barely managed to knock the kid out, who then got his older brother to try and beat me. We played 4 intense games before he ceded my superiority. I lost the first one, but came back to show him how I do things. I think he might've been a guy named Vincent who is on my new floor that I met the other day... he's cool; whether true or not, this dream guy was just as, if not even more, respectable as/than the group Frigo and I played against last ACen.

... zup...

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Don't be fooled into a war you'll lose

I meant to finish one English essay and draft a Philosophy paper today. I finished the English work, but found out I've forgotten more of the pre-pneumonia Philosophy material than I thought, which might be kind of horrible when I take the mid-term a week from today.

More personal philosophy, though... and more feeling absolutely worn out by 2pm even though I got more sleep last night than I did the night before.

Another English essay (to at least outline, hopefully draft, probably not finish), 25 pages of Philosophy to summarize (and maybe more), and that's it... which is good I guess. That's about what I did today.

So my work ethic has been good for the last two days. Though I still haven't sent off the reply I actually have drafted to Mr. Rossi concerning his telling me about how Ragnarok was produced... if I don't get around to that by April 9th, something not good.

"And if you lived inside me
you'd think that I'm insane..."

Do these restless sighs...

A lot more philosophy today than I ever expected--discussing and explaining my own, as well as reading others'.

My mental capacity is not recovering half as well as I had hoped. I think most of the detailed entries I've made in the past few weeks have almost solely been made after hours of, more or less, doing nothing but meditating alone. Hours. It used to be that, last year, I'd meditate no more than two hours after getting home, and I'd do homework before writing a post before going to bed. And I wrote many detailed posts after straining myself mentally...

...but the doctors had predicted it would be at least a full month, more likely two, before I'm 100% mentally and even 95% physically. They said it might be a full year before my lungs fully heal.

Critical condition. Five days of darkness.

And I'm already running empty attempting to flesh out a meaningful thought...

There will be big things this summer. I hope it goes well for my side.

Fireworks of every kind.

Götterdämmerung.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

dot-dot-dot

Moving went mostly smoothly... am without my Ragnarok poster, but it's still safe in a suitcase, not like it's still in old roommate's clutches...

it's definately a dot-dot-dot time right now...

...

moving takes some strength out of you. but i should recover swiftly.

and then the guilt of having so much still undone will finally be able to settle in.

level 25 ninja

I'll be moving in 12 hours. Met the new roommate tonight--seems like we should be able to get along for 5 weeks. Seems like I should also be able to get along with the rest of the floor for 5 weeks.

But it's an odd thought... many times, switching dorm rooms isn't really thought of as an option; especially for a freshman. It's a college horror-story thread come to life, but, so far, the reality of it is anything but horrific. It's the thought that has been getting to me.

I picked The Magus back up tonight... 400 pages to go. I read about 30 in an hour and a half. But it was goooood reading. One of the testimonial lines on the back cover suggest one read it start-to-finish in one sitting, and now I remember why. I hope I can finish it before I see Berger-White again--5 weeks there, too, most likely.

5 weeks to write about 7 papers... 4 of which should be done. Monday morning I perform a statistics test. Wednesday I need a thesis ready for a 10+ page research paper for my English class. that English class is the one I'm 3 papers behind in--though I do still plan on getting them done "eventually."

Tomorrow will probably be even more weird than today--and today was weird: packing things up and beginning to meet a whole new set of people 3/4ths of the way through second semester.

More J's added to the list, too... O_o

Friday, April 01, 2005

Meliority

For the rest of the semester, I am going to have a 22 year old roommate whom, it seems, is in the national guard...

But that probably means he isn't an asshole. Hopefully it doubly means he is inhumanly respectable--and respectful. I'll meet him in person tomorrow, and I move, most likely, Sunday afternoon.

But I am encircled by a sea of fire--my head burns. My mind aches and my conscious yearns. Though I only need suffer two more nights--if that--of listening to the current roommate 2 feet behind me swap spit with the asian, I am yet caught in a moment of tremendous weakness.

If things don't work out with my new setting, I will be escaping back to Chicagoland very soon; I will try Semester 2 again next Fall.

I've never really been one to just give up--I've prided myself, all through highschool, being a man who not only refuses to give up, but when defeated still steps as many more paces forward as I can until I am worse than bruised, bloodied, disfigured: until I am ravaged. That's how it happened with Jane yesteryear.

Somehow I emerged alive. Not only alive, but renewed amidst my scars. More confident--perhaps. But I only emerged after peering into the abyss again.

"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you," said Nietzche. He is right. That darkness mutilates common reason, and turns logic against itself in a way I doubt even the most fantastic magicks could.

It isn't even a ponderous place. The pondering is done only after emerging--and it is more a readjustment, resettling among humanity, than pondering new enlightenments. But it is enlightening... in a strange, dark way. It enlightens with space and time, after emerging, after lifting a peer or contemporary against its eternal non-image. Contrasting what isn't the abyss.

Last year, after reading Heart of Darkness, one of my classes called it, "The edge." For two weeks we discussed what edge this one was, and what might happen were one to journey beyond it. Subtley, I tried letting each classmate know, some way, that I already had, by then, gone beyond the edge. Anger and disgust drew me there, mixed with just a little love that first time. Half my mind was trapped fully from love the second. And the third--

the third time was very interesting. It was that instance that had me realize anyone can grasp some concept of the abyss. Because it was the world itself that drew me there in February.

I lost five days of memory in a hospital bed. My parents insist I existed, and even communicated, throughout the course of those five days, but all I have as proof beyond their word is a stack of papers with cryptic lines written in my handwriting on them.

It gave me a weird sense of immortality after I learned what I survived. After I learned I wasn't expected to survive the first nights. The doctors were telling my parents, when I was in critical condition, that they had no idea whether I would live or die. And I was walking less than 10 days later.

But my immortality was a shallow kind--if I was indestructable, what reason would I to pursue anything of societal value when still supported by some network of people? So I watched television and thought about everything that went wrong in highschool. That's when I finally moved on.

For a time, it gave me a strength. Seeing Ragnarok, even amidst finally deciding that, yes, that other girl is a vile serpent, if a little more innocent and a lot less cunning, gave me even more strength. But College has sapped me back to where I was, I would wager, inbetween my initial dismissal from the hospital and my checking back in for further complications.

Right now, I am apt to give up.

I am hoping, for the sake of not fucking up my academic plans, that this new roommate can convince me why I should remain.