Wednesday, March 30, 2005

If I could...

Tomorrow I speak with one hall director and set up a meeting with another to move, further, the wheels already in motion that deal with the possibility of myself finding solace in the latter half of this semester on campus. I hope to be able to move my meagre posessions to a new, lonely room this weekend. A lonely, quiet, peaceful room...

the thought is about all that kept me from finally lashing out at my roommate today. I've ranted about it before, but, really--is it so hard to kiss quietly? I mean, if you even have to kiss every time you see your significant other. I'd think they were going out of their way to spite me since they know I'll kill them if they dare get more promiscuous than mere kissing if I wasn't convinced they're both oblivious fools.

My reasoning behind that, if reason really is important, is their consistance in the little annoying things they do, and how they don't attack each other about such things. Like how the girl has been coughing all week, the boy immediately with false concern, "are you ok?"

"I'm fine!" she insists. That cough isn't healthy. In fact, I think it's probably dangerous--I'm still not at 100%, thus the moving, and thus my immune system probably isn't all the way back up. Even so, they're still down each other's throats. Even when the boy had the initial symptoms of the flu that almost killed me she'd stick her poisoned tongue all over his ugly face.

Breaking point again... likely, if moving issues go well, I might even accept them as casual friends if I ever run into them again. But living with them--I thought of what I might say if/when I do snap:

"My darker half wants to flay you; torture for hours as my unsleeping sanity has left me, invite the girl over, and ask you to choose whether you'd rather live deformed and see her die or think she lives in your absence..." and I'd pause. Maybe I'd laugh like Kevin Viol as Loki laughed in Ragnarok--a quick, sardonic piece with a gleeful malice. I'd continue, "but my other darker half is convinced you and her both will be treated to the life you deserve by karma anyhow."

My reply to Rossi still isn't sent out. My lack of focus quickly overtook me after just one night of sleepless rest. Now I'm on 2... tonight might (but hopefully will not) be three. But, at least, my reply is half-drafted... and I've begun thinking about some of those English essays. And am caught up on Philosophy readings (though I've still a paper and midterm to take care of).

Maybe I'll drop physics tomorrow, too...

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

is nightshade a food or a poison?

I need to figure a way to switch rooms... otherwise I'm going to give up next week.

Not one good run of sleep last night--remember a point where I was really, really close, but the roommate did something with his mouse or keyboard that thrusted me back to full consciousness. That was about 1:45am I think...

still managed to dream, still consciously awake, some weird ideas... something about being in a car or a van with a hobo in the back giving me directions. Then we parked, and two semi trucks pulled up on our sides--the hobo told me to lock my doors, and only open my window a crack.

Remember Family Matters? Steve Erkel jumps out of one of the semi trucks and starts nerding around, all the while the hobo is telling me to watch out for his magic. O_o

90% sure I'm going to set up a meeting to drop auditory physics next week--will try and speak with the professor during his office hours this Thursday as a common courtesy. You know, that common-sense moral thing good people do so they don't disappoint people they respect--that thing my roommate hasn't displayed since the first weeks of classes.

At least 24 was pretty interesting last night--not as interesting as the last two weeks, and I called the twist at the end, but the season is still going somewhere.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

I must try to keep my focus and I know that...

When I rose from bed this morning, I felt rested--well rested. Like I haven't felt in weeks. It was a peaceful feeling... a success.

I am back home today--came home yesterday evening, though all I did last night was watch Futurama, Full Metal Alchemist, and Ghost in the Shell on Cartoon Network before attempting (and finally succeeding) in rest.

And I had an incredible set of dreams... at least five of them. Details faded rather quickly for most of them, but... well, here:

I can't recall the very beginning of the first dream very well... for some reason I went to a movie with my brother or something. But then I was at someone's house... a familiar house, but not mine, my friends were there, and so, again, was my brother. Here's the key: my brother's fling and her younger sister were also there. Brother and fling had a falling out, but fling's sister (at most points, oddly faceless... more on that below) decided to make a move on me, and since brother and fling had their falling out (and fling's sister was rather attractive... good names, eh?) I went for it.

Next scene her and I were at some sort of bootleg store, looking through games and movies selling at less than $5 each. Aside from the room and my company, it wasn't the least bit exceptional--the room struck me as being kind of like a church... but so heavily modified into an illegal den of black-market goods it was hardly recognizable.

That dream ended. But I can't remember, right now, a single detail of my second dream--except that I was alone on a tropical island, somehow leaping from jungle treetop to jungle treetop...

Dream 3 saw me with my family on a golf course--a pirate golf course (though the pirate part wasn't readily evident). My grandma was there... but anyways, eventually we came to a part of the course that had at least two holes, but one was on an island that was, "a wasteland," according to my caddy that had a bunch of other holes that wouldn't count. We called the island, Magyar. My brother took his shot first, launching a golf ball half way down the "normal" course. Next my grandma shot, and did just a little better. Then my dad (with a mustache... which he hasn't had in years) shot, and ended up banking his ball (if that's the right term) right into a tree branch--the ball landed maybe twenty feet in front of us.

A few curses later and I was up. My caddy suggested I try getting to Magyar--she promised it would be an excellent idea. So I tried, and, much to my family's surprise, I succeeded. So we trekked out to the wasteland and discovered it to be a dark, rocky land filled with flags. Only one flag was placed at the right hole, and only that one would count. But that wasn't the point--my caddy was the same faceless romantic from my first dream. Her background was slightly different, but she was otherwise the same.

The fourth dream was also lost to the nether--but I think it was another solitary one.

And the fifth dream, in location, was by far the most boring--I was back in the highschool, as my current self. Visiting at the end of this school year. But she appeared again--introduced herself, and made her move.

It would be less spectacular if my dreams co-starred people I've never met (never even seen), but this was the first (and second, and third) time in many months--I think maybe since September, 2003. And even then, they weren't as ethereal--they had their faces.

This girl had faces, too... but only sometimes. I call her faceless because I knew, somehow, that I've never met her in reality. But it felt like she exists... faces of attractive vain women I've passed by over the last few months would become her, but they were all slightly wrong. Her figure stayed more or less the same, and, in truth, the faces that she cycled through were largely similar, but...

well, it feels like there's something important in all of it. Aside from the useless structure and form I used writing it. Like maybe Splashdown is causing me to grasp that resolution most in this society call "moving on."

Whether yes or no, I still find myself unfocused in regards to the workload I brought home with me, and still need (want) to write a reply to Mr. Rossi. Not getting sleep last week took a huge toll on my work ethic--waking up rested, finally, I understand just how high my fatigue was building. And I'm walking right back into it tomorrow.

I need resolution... whether its dropping another two or three classes and commuting, staying on campus for three days a week, whether its withdrawing in full, or whether its getting lucky and having an opportunity to move to a better environment, resolution must come by next Friday. Otherwise, I'm going to come out of my second semester with the lowest grade record I've had.

It's the unfocused...

Friday, March 25, 2005

if any thoughts are envisioned between now and waking, i'll try morning blogging...

rather than checking even half the things off that list of plans I posted last night, I played Ultima 7 (with Exult) for, er, the entire day minus two meals and one class. But I think I've actually made some decent progress in regards to the story--something I'm actually paying attention to this time, instead of toggling hack-mover and god-mode on and filling my backpack with awesome swag, and Iolo's backpack with castle walls and such to build a house in the middle of the desert. O_o...

Chances are I'll be coming home tomorrow morning sometime around noon... but more because it turns out, though my roommate did leave, the neighbors are still here than because I want to spend the weekend at home. I need a quiet place... so I can focus on working without hearing typing or shudder-something...

Hopefully I'll include sending the reply in my head off to Mr. Rossi tomorrow, too--classic gaming stole away every second of free time today (though, done in moderation, is a healthy thing for a generation raised on both console and computer rpg-lore)

walking on sidewalks listening to splashdown keeps me thinking, "damn, it has to be 90% of her lyrics that seem to suggest some kind of spiteful/cynical moving-on..."

Thursday, March 24, 2005

even additionally tiring

Now that I'm taking doses of supplemental pills that succeed in making me sufficiently drowsey for about 3 hours, maybe I should start posting in mornings since I have been posting right in the midst of drowsiness lately...

Things I expect before this time tomorrow: waking up RA to let neighbors know I'm not tolerating their war, especially now that I know (by chance) both their faces... their ugly, smallish, weak-looking faces; turning in a math homework I hope for a 7/10 on; taking a rest til like 3pm after getting back from stats so long as the roommate is away or quiet; talking on phone to parents deciding whether I take homework home, or do homework in solitude (that is, if roommate is going home... if he isn't, yeah, I'm definately going home); sending off a reply to the gracious Mr. Rossi hoping for just a few more details that might elicit a greater appreciation for Ragnarok and its cast/crew as well as helping detail a new creative writing excercise his rather detailed message regarding the play's origins and preparations has me drafting in my head.

Not too busy... hopefully I can fit drafting an English essay in there somewhere... I have two I want to get done by next Wednesday at the very latest.

Caught the last night of NIU's apparently annual "Storyteller's Theatre"--was mostly (about 88%) fun.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

burning...

Two weeks from today and I'll have to bare the rest of the semester out, whether neighbors are still disrespecting and classes aren't going as well as they kind of look or not. That's my cut-off: either I withdraw before then, or just about everything needs to go right by a week from next Monday.

The best would be either the neighbors are moved out, or I am moved to a single room by early next week. By the middle of next week, I hope to have my Philosophy paper drafted, my English synthesis paper drafted (which means two preceeding assignments taken care of as well), and at least one make-up Physics assignment completed. Without forgetting to turn in my Stats homework.

It's possible. My professors are all working with me, and have given me reasonable periods in which to get everything back on track. But more than I had thought really does depend on how this problem with my neighbors works out--or, more rather, if it doesn't work out. Because lacking sleep is causing a decrease in will like I've never experienced... I am getting nothing done between juggling the stifling feelings thrown by the roommate coming from whereever, and the neighbors destroying my right to a good night's sleep.

I want a single room... one on a relatively quiet floor--whether the rest of the floor cares about my arrival, as long as they don't think so negatively much like my current problem, it will be alright. Otherwise, at least about this time of night until after I'm on my way to my first class, I feel like withdrawing would be a good option, because as much as I am learning in my classes, my progress is disintegrating thanks to the hell of social existance in what the dean of the College of Liberal Arts & Sciences in my meeting with her today called, numberous times, a zoo.

There are about half a dozen paths... two of them lead home, two lead to ruining the records of my neighbors, and two lead to living in a new room for the rest of the semester. Two weeks and I should narrow those paths down to a final observation of sorts...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

reviling

Another moment I can imagine, rather easily, fast-forwarding two or three years.

I am inspired only in the deepest regions of my illiterate mind--the dark places that don't /want/ to see light. That don't /want/ to transfer from thought to matter.

Feelings are I might find vehicles, but only if I am left with more hours to spend in silence--away from society. Not completely away, not yet, but the thought of roommate and company breaking the little silence I do recieve stifles my will to create, as does, though to a much lesser extent, hearing residents pass by my room with their voices, and unlock their doors, and use the staircase...

Professor 2 is on my side, working with me, giving me time to finish a paper due about a month ago and pushing back a midterm I would otherwise take this Thursday. I talk to Professor 3 around 9am, and the last Professor around 1pm. And then I should know if I need to drop another class.

Redefining my vocabulary, at least inwardly, with Asatru equivalents is proving entertaining. Whether, after I have succeeded in letting my mind the thought, "What in the Nine Worlds?" instead of, "What the hell?" it might work in the 'real world' remains to be seen.

Seeing Ragnarok helped remind me--it did not fully change me, but, being finally a self-influencing person, remembered some lost love. It is taking time, but accepting faith when one has largely denied it makes sense that it is taking time.

I want to read all volumes of The Maxx in one sitting right now.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Almost a decent balance

Last night did not go well--the pill I took, a 1g dose of something called Melatonin, succeeded in making me drowsey, but I did not fall asleep until about 2:45am.

The neighbors started their music at 12:50. I knocked at 1. I wrote a letter after they refused to open their door (you know, speak civilly) at 1:10. And they actually wrote a poorly structured, juvenile letter back that they left on my door and ran (I at least tried letting them know I was there, ready to speak politely) right in the middle of 24 tonight. So it seems like an act of war... and they are two stereotypical black undergrad-aged women. Unless they do raise above the stereotypes they have so seemed to enjoy promoting in the last few months, the most they will be able to do is get one of their friends (their cousin, actually, as stated in their reply letter) to assault me.

Something I've been waiting for for a long time, actually--wondering if I could keep myself calm if someone started attacking me. Wondering if I could will myself to remain peaceful so, whether they finished hospitalizing me or realized my cunning plan and left me only slightly sore and bruised, the assaulter would face criminal charges. It's an odd dream of justice--a new-age way of fighting a battle (so if I died, I'd go to Valhalla).

I can't say what will come of this war... my parents fired the first shot via mail, but from far, so it is still early to tell if they hit anything. This afternoon, I warned my RA and succeeded her to my side. She said she would contact the hall director some time tonight, so the first set of actions in silencing the disrespectful have indeed come.

After I took a shower this morning (after settling my stomach upon seeing my roommates hideous gaping mouth for the first time in over a month upon thrusting self out of bed) things got better. Stats class still seems easy, and I don't have to make up any homework--or the test I missed. I just need to do well on my final. And I was able to make an appointment with the dean of my college. Also got four more Philosophy readings done, and two summaries--one I'll need to finish up in the morning before getting to class. Will set the clock for 9:30.

Afternoon was unexciting save for finding two potential contacts in my self-proclaimed quest for finding as much as I can about how Ragnarok was produced (and one actually detailed a little bit in a comment on my synopsis of the night two posts below--very cool that; thanks Matthew Rossi).

Strangely, though, as the sky darkened tonight, sanities snapped one by one. Things simply began unravelling--as they did last night. But fortunately they (mostly) ceased about the time 24 came on (good episode tonight--hopefully good episodes for the rest of the season). I can only hope the villains next door won't set to go out of their way in condemning their own fate (because it'd be nice to have even more examples of evidence against them, but it would be nicer to get a good night's sleep).

Drowsey I am. I will watch Futurama, and then I will try to get more than 3 hours of sleep.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

The darkening skies

As divine as last night was, I am back in DeKalb, back sharing a bedroom and bathroom, without a kitchen, without, ever, a car, and, largely, without friends I can trust.

Driving West I watched the sky. It was cloudy, but for the path in front of us--beams of sunlight shining from the heavens. That is, until I arrived in DeKalb--the sun was behind us then.

Fortune smiled in allowing me another week to finish my English assignments--the professor is doing individual conferences, classes will not meet. Tomorrow morning I discover what my Statistics professor has to say--he was the only one who never replied to my email. Because of the English schedule, I have one class since I dropped COMS100, and it is at 8am--and, though I had started skipping Mondays and Wednesdays right before I fell ill, I will need to attend so as to initiate primary discussion, if only to tell the professor I shall be stopping by his office hours.

But reminded I was with the first breaths my roommate took--what salvation is left lay only in knowing I have reserved an option where I have my own bedroom next semester. I'll be sharing a bathroom, walk-in closet, and very small entry room, but I will have my own bedroom.

More hazard until then... but it kind of feels like a sleeping drug might actually be working for once.

Odin's knowing nod

The Gods smiled upon me tonight--literally.

So much to tell, such gracious story, with action, romance, malice, and writing that moved in a solid direction I never expected.

I saw the final performance of Tantalus Theatre Co's Ragnarok at the Holy Covenent United Methodist Church, 925 W Diversey Pkwy. I have a feeling it won't run again for at least a few years.

But by no means due to its quality--on the contrary, it was the single very best play I've ever seen, and very possibly the very best (very) I ever will see. Set in a Church, the semi-circle waiting room was a perfect place to bide my time, knowing, seconds after noticing the uniquely-burnt edges of the program in my hand, I was at home. Then I read the sell-line below the title on the program cover: "Celebrate the art of destruction." Not in a Church, but with a company performing the roles of my beloved Gods: the lead narrator granted us waiting, about 7:40, for the 8pm play to begin the story of how Asgard got its walls. The "players", actors who took the roles of the Gods throughout the night for the Gods themselves, gave us a taste (so tantilizing) of what was to come.

And then we entered--into a worship hall that felt authentically Norse. As if we were in a true Viking drinking hall, a throne at the head of a massive table, and a high ceiling in the dimly-lit stage (and the entire room, and actually somewhat beyond, was the stage). I took a seat dead-center at one of the sides of the table, dinner plates set in front of the audience, and a shirtless man hanging at the end opposite the throne. A song from the waiting room, inebrious in tone even though I couldn't catch the words, ended as the man untied himself, put a finger to his lips, and ran up the somewhat gothic balcony far against and above his end of the table--and disappeared.

The company entered, audience seated. "Loki is gone! The Lie-smith is free!" shouted a character referenced, in the program, as Odin's Voice, a lively woman in green and black with dark-red lips and scar paint (as every actor had) travelling her face down both her eyes. Quickly, the table was cleared but for drinking glasses, candles diminished, and the Gods and players alike took their places, Odin silently sitting upon his throne.

Loki emerged and at once began conniving his wicked scheme, playing to the audience, abusing everyone else. The first time his laughed echoed the hall a chill ran down my spine--this is Valhalla. These are my Gods. And the play was underway.

They told the story of Odin at the World Tree, Yggdrasil. How he bound himself as a sacrifice of himself for himself for nine days without food, water, or rest. How he fell into darkness--and how he awoke from darkness with a knowledge of all history: what was, what is, and what will come to pass. He learned all language, all poetry, all of wisdom itself before he finally came down knowing, at the last, there would be an end--he learned of Ragnarok.

Loki frowned upon Odin--he laughed that Odin might hold knowledge to win the heart of any woman. So he challenged him. If Loki could convince a member of the audience, selected by Odin, to kiss him on the cheek, Odin would have to humiliate himself and his fellow Gods. If Loki lost, he would have to apologize for being the cause of the impending Ragnarok. Odin selected a clean-shaven fellow across from me who denied Loki any love--"Best two out of three!" So Odin pointed at Seth who laughed in Loki's face.

They introduced the Gods--Freyja, Baldur, Tyr, Thor, Heimdall, and Odin and Loki.

Loki quickly displayed his disgust--especially of how they announced Baldur. He demanded we, the audience, hear of his children, and demanded he, not the players, be the one to tell us. But this was not the way of the hall, Odin noted, so there was another challenge. Loki selected a man near the end of the table from which he hung when we entered to play tests for him; Odin selected a woman next to this man. The players brought two chairs on the end of the table (our glasses were full by this point, and I began draining mine) and three tests were played--Odin's girl won the first, a Charades sort of deal, and so his voice narrated the origin of Hel. Loki's boy won the second, the "Test of Strength," an arm-wrestling challenge with arms lay on the backs of two players, and so he narrated the tale of the Midgard Serpent, Jormangund. Odin's girl won the final test, a blindfolded obstacle course from one end of the hall to the other led by their patron's voice (Loki's side made much more difficult by the players), and so Odin's voice narrated the origin of Fenrir the wolf.

They told the story of one of Loki's tricks--how he mistrusted the dwarves and had them make him tools. First, he had one family make him three tools, promising them a favor from him. Then he took those tools to another dwarven family, and challenged them to make better tools for his fellow Gods--if they preferred there tools to the first set, Loki would give them his head. Well, it turned out the second group forged for Thor his Mjolnir, the glorious hammer. However, gracing Loki as their brother God, even if he be the Trickster, they agreed the dwarves could have his head--however, they would have to leave his neck alone.

Disgraced by this, Loki demanded a darker story be given of Odin's kin, and so demanded we hear the story of the death of Baldur. He proposed another challenge--he would select a random audience member and, if they thought themselves a hero, throw his dagger at him or her and see if he or she lived. He selected his target and the Gods winced, "No!" and they agreed to recount the tale of Baldur's death. Baldur was plagued by nightmares--so plagued that the Gods took the images Baldur had of his own death seriously. Then Frigg, the Mother Goddess, set out to exact assurance from everything in the Nine Worlds that none would harm Baldur. They had his brothers test this--first, they threw dull axes. Then, sharper swords. Nothing harmed Baldur--he seemed invincible. Loki quickly set about conniving, and dressed as an old woman and went to Frigg. He asked of how she asked everything in the Nine Worlds to promise not to harm her son, and from his long questioning discovered she forgot to ask one thing: a mistletoe bush. So Loki found it, and found Hod, Baldur's blind brother, who was left out of the festivities of trying to harm his invincible brother. Promising to help him take aim, Loki armed Hod with the mistletoe branch, and it struck Baldur and killed him. The Gods went to Hel, and asked her to release Baldur from her realm. She agreed upon one condition: that they have everything in the Nine Worlds grieve for Baldur. It almost looked as if it would work as the player of Freyja sang a dark song. But then Frigg approached Loki, and asked if he, too, would grieve Baldur's passing. With malice, he slowly moved--as if to drive a fear into Frigg's heart. "No," he said.

And the Gods were silent. The lights were dimmed, and the candles placed beside Baldur's pyre. One by one, they lit a candle, and took a place, kneeling in front of their dead brother or son. Last to kneel was Nana, Baldur's beautiful wife, who then collapsed of her grief and fell dead on her husband, and last to light a candle was Odin, and the players took the corpse out of the room. The gods sat with us at the table in lamentation. Loki finally lost it--he jumped back on the table and began yelling at everyone, demanding why they weren't celebrating, and, eventually, the story continued after Odin forced Loki into his seat. A player acted as Loki, the story told that he entered the Gods' hall after Baldur's death and asked for drink--for none shall be turned away, promised Odin. The real Loki couldn't stand this woman actor, and finally pushed her off the table-stage.

And the tone changed again. Loki displayed a madness I have not seen in front of me but in film. Soon, the finale began--the war song that would lead to Ragnarok. Loki challenged his fellow Gods until Odin finally caught him--and regrettably could not find forgiveness for him. And the battle was had, swords and spears and axes drawn, and the audience was led to Odin's throne. A white screen was placed in front of us and clashing metal filled the hall and the battle went on until we saw Odin's shadow grow in a run forward--and then silence. The screen was taken down, and there was still silence. The room, aside from audience, was empty.

It was the greatest play I have ever seen. And Elon gave it up to take an eleven hour walk downtown with Isaac and Sheila--their loss. Frigo didn't make it as he had other plans in the city. And I didn't find way of reaching Corey until just an hour ago. So I hope, greatly, whether it is in 1 year or 10 years, or even 50 years, that this or another theatre company produce this great play again. And again--and make it a famous modern play, of wonderous, interactive storytelling, with live steel and free drinks (I suppose covered with the $10 admission).

Afterwards, I joined Ben Pollack and a crew of his at the Century Theatre, a 10 minute walk away, to see 90% of Steamboy. It was an entertaining film, better than I expected, though reviews were right to criticize the film for not having much of a plot, and Ragnarok was far, far greater an experience. But it worked to enhance an already glorious night.

A night that cost only $20--we parked in a Walgreens/KFC parking lot and weren't ticketed.

Yesterday was good, too--rather very good, aside from some video transfer plans not going exactly right. Worms at night, meeting Elon at least one night of his break afterwards, and visiting Mr. Brame and Mr. Hurtig as well as seeing this year's DHS Ethnocenter at the highschool in the morning. Just a little bit of homework inbetween, and trying to plan seeing Ragnarok for more people.

I proclaim to the world that Ragnarok has made my life better, that it is a good day to die (though, always, only in battle). I only wish I might see it again, and with a larger company, and perhaps an uninitiated significant other to welcome to my most beloved religious world of Norse faith.

I once again believe fully in Odin, in Thor, in Loki and Freyja and Tyr and Heimdall, and all their power.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Slow-going wind-up

Work isn't going half as fast as I promised myself it would--there is going to be a hellish crunch phase on Sunday. Like, reading and summarizing philosophy for at least 4 hours, where any break I'd take would have me focusing on short English assignments.

But, assuming tickets are available, I'll be seeing Tantalus Theatre Co.'s production of Ragnarok tomorrow night or Saturday--these being the last nights the performance is playing. Seth is sold in, Elon might be for Saturday, Frigo might be for Friday, and I want to talk to a few other people--though today I heard the other group I figured I was closest to has made plans a while ago to see a movie on my list this weekend (yet hasn't mentioned in the least to me yet...) So I probably won't ask them--out of malice.

No Shadow Hearts today. The game is pretty dark, so playing in DeKalb will likely suck since my roommate's TV fails to display screens where more than 2 thirds of the screen is near black. It's a ridiculous problem--why his parents (and himself) considered it a real upgrade (it's probably a 22 inch screen) to the tiny 15-inch he had first semester is beyond me. They must just be stupid, far failing to realize the potentials of darkness.

In any case, Frigo told me tonight that tomorrow is a one-two day at DHS, which means I might catch the end of 4th period, hoping Brame isn't at a rare meeting or that tomorrow is the morning the band goes on the annual trip (since the first three weeks of March have usually been the time to go). Whether I catch him or not, though, I'll be stopping by the Creative Writing class for a while. Hurtig expects me and I anticipate I'll show (and not sleep in).

Wei failed to contact me about Radiant Silvergun today--the best excuse he might have is he ended up bagging an amazing, attractive, and wealthy woman not much interested in monetary connotations. Instead, Frigo and Seth came over around 5, and I beat them 20 rounds in a row in Puzzle Fighter 2 and then we played Worms on Dreamcast until 10:30PM. Could have used that time much more effectively by doing homework, but it is much too late for that--and I know my personal priorities, whether they match my parents' or not.

We'll see, soon enough.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Level 2 sucks

I missed Futurama tonight--was playing Scud: The Disposable Assassin for Saturn for about an hour. About fifty minutes spent on level 2--which seems to have a huge 8-chain-branching map layout with only /one/ door at the end that works. What it probably looks like is:
A
BB
CCCC
DDDDDDDD
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

and then H... and, from what we gathered, there's only /one/ right way to get to the end of the level. Every wing has 2 doors; it would make sense that, then, beginning with 2 choices, you would, theoretically, have had 4 choices for the next wing, then 8, 16, 32, and, in H wing, 64. So you have a 1 in 64 chance of passing the second level. Unless there's some kind of trick we were oblivious to, which, if the game designers had /any/ decency, there was.

Regardless, Frigo, Isaac, and Wei-chen (actually Wei left earlier) dispersed. Before that we watched most of the useful Dreamicide and Burning Five footage--Frigo finally ok'ed the Dreamicide scenes he hadn't seen. Being the perfectionist I am, I notice many, many flaws, but, admittedly, most have to do with how the footage was filmed: wherein, I wish we could have used rail systems for smooth filming. Editing, both sound and video, and plot are going to have to be so far ahead of any other higher production (in terms of film capture) indie film for Dreamicide to work well. It is possible, but it means we're working to different standards.

Work ethic front: I uploaded an essay that has been sitting, in rough-draft format, on my PC since the day before I got sick. I did no Philosophy reading or summarizing, and only looked at the other English assignments I need to get done. Of course, I also plotted with Wei to play Radiant Silvergun for much of the day tomorrow, and I'm not only visiting the highschool on Friday, but will also be with Frigo and Isaac, if not also Elon/Seth/Kevin/etc. So it is looking more and more likely that Sunday will be a very hectic day as I go over, in my head, how to return to my remaining professors (do I approach them at the beginning of class or at the end of class? Do I try and talk to Tuesday/Thursday class professors on Monday, or wait until class?) as well as finishing up my last few assignments (it looks like I am not going to have time for my Statistics problems or Physics readings).

But middle-March is supposed to be far above and beyond middle-February, so I anticipate more will end up working out than looks possible from my right-now perspective. Said a different way, I could be more worried.

Discovered Game Gardens and the fact that Puzzle Pirates' "Doubloon Ocean" option has a way to basically play to the top of the game for free this afternoon. Read more on GDC flak and didn't get any Shadow Hearts 2 in--although I wanted to when I decided I'd get at least the one piece of homework done (where I hoped to get more than that done... oh well).

Radiant Silvergun and homework tomorrow--will hopefully have a little bit of time for Shadow Hearts 2 or Puzzle Pirates.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

The apparent difference

Over the last four days, I have been taking as much information in as I can find from the goings on at this years GDC. Since yesterday, most information has been coming from blogs--blogs of industry insiders; journalists and real developers all well-past their highschool mindsets.

What I am finding is a niche of the World Wide Web that is written in intelligent detail and posted with non-profit motivations. I am finding opinions that suggest /now/ is finally the time for developers currently working under the faceless corporate mechanisms that have been driving the industry since its birth to take arms and find a solution a'la Hollywood and Indies for independent games to, in the near future, become a profitable (inasmuch a developer could survive a lifestyle as comfortable as what they live with working for EA, or Midway, or Take Two, etc) alternative. At the same time, it is now that the general public needs to be alerted that mass-marketed titles aren't the be-all and end-all of the industry--that there needs to be a way to teach the average fool that independent games exist and, although their production values might not exactly match those of $15 million licensed titles, innovative and personalised gameplay more than makes up for it.

It is entirely possible all of these arguments have been prominent in short bursts in the industry ever since the open source movement began, but from the ravenous tones of the half-dozen blogs I've been tracking, it really sounds like something is about to happen.

Another thing following these blogs has taught me is that my own blog, right here, is yet rather juvenile. And, at the moment, my solution is that the only way I'll eventually overcome this is to age--to gain experience in the real world. To learn more, and to do more. Only then will single-digit traffic begin to rise and a comment or two start popping up maybe every other week (I don't think you need to be registered with blogger to make a comment--this very assertively directed at friends still deeply involved with xanga and livejournal).

Reading blogs instead of doing homework--but I did get about an hour of Philosophy reading finished this afternoon. Looking at my clock and knowing I'm going to have to watch Futurama, and maybe an episode of Aqua Teen, before continuing my strangely tiring attempts to salvage and reforge my sleeping habits into something more healthy. Those attempts, though languishing they are right now, are indeed working--more than 4 consecutive hours of sleep I had last night. I'm still not remembering dreams like I was back in highschool and over the summer, but the near-insomnia run I've had appears finally to be slowly ending. I've been sleeping from about 2am until 6:30 or 7am. I hope, in the end, I change that to sleeping from 12 to 6:30 or 7, with an ability to fall back asleep from 7:30 until about 9 or 10.

Drinking. I've been drinking 3-4 sodas a day. Morally, it still beats wasting myself with alcohol, but I am self-conscious of what this might be translating to in terms of my long-term health. Back at NIU, I was drinking one can and about three small glasses (from cafeterias) of soda a day--that's between a third and one half less than what I'm drinking at home.

I'm thinking. I'm very self-conscious of just about everything I am doing--from sitting in front of my computer and television for about 80-90% of every waking hour at home to suffering the beginnings of fearing what I am going to have to pull if I can't continue to pull my work ethic up a little further tomorrow, and a little further Thursday, and a little further Friday to hopefully finish my Philosophy /and/ English work by Saturday night (or Sunday afternoon if I decide to be social).

And I think I am almost back into a Creative Writing mood for the first time since Winter Break.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Not studying, assessing a favorite industry

I've been reading blogs of lesser-known game developers (the actual designers and engineers unlike Tornquist as writer) blogs, most in response to various happenings at last week's Game Developers Conference. It makes me understand exactly why my dream, for so long, was to be a game developer before I realized making it independently in the industry was even harsher and stressful than attempting to succeed in the film or, amazingly enough, journalistic/creative writing industies. In addition, it makes me wish to eventually be in a position with enough clout to secure a pass to a future GDC and E3--the famous names in game development are a helluva lot more interesting to read about than average Hollywood celebrities.

They aren't a fraction as wealthy as their motion-picture contemporaries, but what they say never fails to wow me. Names like Warren Spector and Will Wright. People that lead carefully connected artistic teams to make titles like Deus Ex praying that consumers will enjoy their genius. I'd rather sit down with Pixel, the enigmatic Japanese character that singlehandedly made Cave Story, or Richard Garriot, father of the Ultima series, than Tom Cruise or Will Farrell.

Suffice to say, I didn't really get any work done today. I moved my syllabi and the books needed to start my homework from their scattered locations around my house to the hub/shrine that is my bedroom, and that's about it. I also sent Hurtig an email--I'll be visiting Creative Writing this Friday, though we decided since today was Senior Teach Day that revisiting my excercise for CW from last year would better be dealt in late May. Since CW is 5th period now, if Fridays aren't 34 days, I might be able to visit the Symphonic Band, too--I hope so. Hopefully Fridays are 12 or 78 days. I can't remember what they were from when I checked everything out over Winter Break--so I'll need to check again before Friday.

Shadow Hearts 2 is holding my interest very well, even though two consecutive dungeons in the first 10 hours were mines. I guess that's to be expected considering the setting is Earth--in particular, Europe, where there really aren't obligatory RPG Magma Cave, Ice Mountain, and Eerie Swamp all within 100km of each other.

Hopefully will find the will to start working tomorrow--my workload is too hefty to keep ignoring as I have been. Finish an English essay I had drafted just before getting sick and read maybe two or three Philosophy readings. I should be able to do that.

Especially if I get enough sleep.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Likely that tomorrow should beget studying

Last night I think I might have gotten more than 3 hours of sleep without interruption--first time that has happened while not under sedation (via morphine, vicadin, or IV pneumonia antibiotics) since right before I came home and almost died. Remember a dark room probably around 1:30 or 2am and the next time I opened my eyes it was past the break of dawn--so at least 5:30.

Today I logged 5 and a half hours into Shadow Hearts 2. I am missing tons of references to Shadow Hearts 1 and a few more to Koudelka--this is the first time I'm playing a sequel of a game I do plan on playing the precursor of before I try the original. That stated, anyone with a copy of the original I'd appreciate if notified me. If I haven't found a copy cheaper than $25 used (assuming I can't find a copy to borrow for about a month) before, probably, I finish Shadow Hearts 2 (unless I finish it before my Spring Break, now two days in, ends--then it'll be after I finish Star Ocean 3 or Phantom Brave... I've given up on Baten Kaitos until the summer) I'm going to try signing up with Gamefly.

The dialogue is witty, adult, and progresses in a way that suggests the plot is going somewhere. The graphics aren't the most detailed on the PS2, but are interesting for an RPG, considering this one is set in an alternate-world (with magic and monsters) Europe, circa 1915. Battle system is addictive, and is the closest to that of a truly traditional SNES-era RPG I've seen since I stopped playing Wild ARMs 3 a year and a half ago. Since then, it has been TRPG (Disgaea, La Pucelle, Phantom Brave) or action-based RPG (Kingdom Hearts, Star Ocean 3, Tales of Symphonia, to a lesser extent Baten Kaitos and Paper Mario 2). Maybe its better I was unable to rent Devil May Cry 3 yesterday--Shadow Hearts 2 is good. At the moment, I think a large part of the attraction is the novelty of the setting--it's definately the exception to write an RPG on Earth, especially in such an interesting time period. The intro had some direct (fictional) World War I stuff going on, and rumor of the War has appeared in many townsfolks dialogue windows.

My quota before returning to DeKalb is to get 80% of my PHIL101 homework done, 65% of my ENGL104 work, 40% of my STAT208 work, and 25% of my PHYS180 reading. I hope to get a little more English done, but the actual homework is generally 2-5page essays, which I generally can't write more than one of a night without burning out and finding myself unable to do a damned thing the next day.

Feelings on the consistency of Get There are starting to become mixed. The problem is there are only 4 songs that I currently think are outstanding--none of the tracks are /bad/ (of which could be argued one or two of Twilight's songs were actually kind of bad, or would be if Jasmine's lyrics were sung by any other vocalist in the universe), but only a third of them are outstanding. I think I'm just a little disappointed Jasmine wasn't as forceful as she was in Deeply or Rain or Scoring... the instrumentals take a step up at the cost of Jasmine taking a step down. I'll give it a few more weeks before I make a final decision whether that's acceptable or not. It probably is, but I wanted another Duvet--Get There, the title song, is close, but it isn't (for me, anyhow--a man that considers just about all American pop since Vaudeville days to be "meh" since the sounds are so saturated) as immediately genius. The first time I watched the opening for Serial Experiments Lain, I knew I had to find out who made Duvet. Maybe if they do what many message board fans have been suggesting and record a music video for Get There I'll feel a little better.

But I do suppose I, individually, /am/ honestly starting to feel a little better in a spiritual sense. Spending 6 hours with Shadow Hearts 2 today reaffirms I have not just the heart of a Gamer (go find and read Iwata someone (the President of Nintendo)'s Keynote Address from this year's GDC--which happened Wednesday or Thursday), but the heart of an RPGamer. And one that developed before social digital RPGs really existed--an individual, self-serving heart that can survive by consuming what it wants in privacy. Social butterflies (I think that's the term) should consider this a fearful fault, but it has been working to set me apart as someone just a little more unique than that other guy for many years now.

"This is the last time
I’ll take this from you"

Saturday, March 12, 2005

I think I was happier a year ago

I'm quickly finding myself addicted to Bejeweled 2... puzzle games are fun to get good at. Just hit 487,000 points in the timed mode--200,000 points higher than my last high score. So I'm probably getting better.

Puzzle games are good. Maybe not as good as super-challenging action games, but Devil May Cry 3 was rented out at the Blockbuster in town this afternoon so I can't be certain (especially since I don't want to spend $50 on something that /will/ come down to $30 within the next twelve months--if not $20... it's already popular enough that it won't be a rare game).

Explored most of floor 5 in Demise--I'm making progress again. If I remember correctly, I was around level 30 artisan/level 60 warrior/level 40 ninja when my data got corrupted somewhere between 8 and 20 months ago--and I think I had just hit floor 8. Scary monsters down there--and the dungeon goes down to floor 50 if I'm not mistaken. Levels go up to 999, and it's possible to get 999 in every class available to a character--the most balanced race/alignment I think is open to 8 classes, so that's level 8x999. And some people have done it... O_o I'm not that crazy depraved, though I'd like to hit floor 15 before the end of the semester.

Yes, going back to classes probably a week from tomorrow... 8 more weeks, I think. Dropped COMS100, might yet drop STAT208 since the professor hasn't gotten back to me just yet. I have to write a number of papers for English, one paper and a number of short summaries for Philosophy, and should work on some reading for Auditory Physics over the next 9 days. And I still haven't written that email to Hurtig yet--that visit is looking hazier and hazier as spring break officially sets in.

Optimism is thusly diminishing--I have more work ahead of me preferably due (if I want to look good) a week from monday than I've had in college yet. This is my ENGL103 final all over again, especially if my harddrive decides to crash (which would be one of the Worst Things Ever since Dreamicide footage is still stuck in files far, far too large to burn to DVD without wasting a few hours chopping said files up, archiving with instruction the Premiere files that announce what file belongs where, and organizing the discs physically so they never get lost. If someone were paying me for editing the movie, I'd do it, but not for free).

So I'm hating again--much like my demeanor changed about this time back during Sophomore year after I met Mickey. This world, mostly thanks to American society and the almighty dollar, has so many glaring flaws and injustices that remaining enlightened, which by definition is accompanied by some sense of loneliness, appears impossible to achieve without spite and cynicism taking precident at least a few times a year. That said in fewer words: if you're not my friend, I probably hate you. This includes inanimate objects and ideas, such as television programs and movies.

Still not writing creatively, and still rarely working on film editing... still not drawing, and still not doing homework. At the moment, I am a jobless drain on society, but in my spite and cynicism I have little reason to see this in any unfavorable light. It'll probably change, especially when Good Things start happening again (things not precursed by a Bad Thing--like, surviving my hospitalization is good, but being hospitalized in the first place cancels it out).

My minor insomnia clearing up would be a pretty Good Thing--hint to the divine and fates, there.

weary

First time I've been awake out of a bed at this hour since my world more or less began collapsing--still thankful my selfbound will won against death.

And I am very tired--my face isn't as painful though it, too, yet needs to recover. Arm strength needs to recover, and voice needs to recover.

I was going to write an email to Mr. Hurtig about maybe stopping by Creative Writing next week--forgot about that after I started making evening plans about 6.

Too simply tired... mind is simple. Thoughts are simple. Hopefully now that March is above double digits, transgressions have transitioned...

Hopefully.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Appropriate title

Verge of existence... didn't necessarily expect I'd so near the abyss so shortly after titling my new blog spot.

Monday night, my chest (specifically my left side, near my heart) was in tremendous pain when I breathed in or out. At its worst, it felt like a gunshot wound. So I was taken back to the ER around 12:15 on Tuesday morning where, after four and a half hours of various tests, they sent me home with high-dosage vicadin.

It took away the pain, but caused extreme nausea whenever I sat or stood up. So I was bedridden all of Tuesday. Mother folk called my doctor who said I should take a different, weaker painkiller which helped the nausea, but, well, didn't kill the pain as well.

Wednesday I saw said doctor and was told to check back into the ER because my white blood cell count was rising and they weren't 100% sure my nausea was caused by the vicadin. They kept me overnight--another full 24 hours of hospital food. I got out around 3pm today.

I'm feeling better, aside from my face burning from eczema complications (I do hope medicine develops a non-steroid pill with the strength of steroidal eczema medication soon). My Physics professor doesn't want me to drop the course, so I might only be dropping COMS100--still need to hear from Statistics teacher. Which will mean 4 classes to catch up a month of work in over the course of, er, a week and a half.

Life really hasn't been much worse for me. Now more than ever would be a nice time to have a sweet, honest, trustworthy voice to hear from--outside my family which has helped me tremendously over the last month of hellish outcome. This was the darkest February I've faced.

Deflating.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

every other day

Fingers locked clenched against hands in a style asians might mistake for something knowledgable...

but this is reflex. Looked in the mirror this morning to see a red scab on my lip. It is how I felt after realizing I wasn't going to be strong enough to carry my pc tower down three flights of stairs to my parents' van this afternoon. And I forgot not only the check and $20 in my drawer, but a very necessary audio cable if I want speakers to make sound--fortunately my tower is on a tabletop, so headphones reach my head comfortably. But there'll be little annoying my brother or parents with computer noises until after spring break...

Still haven't picked up DMC3. Noticed the first commercial I've seen this evening--with how many have been running for Project Snowblind, I've wondered why there hadn't been DMC3 commercials. Especially after the mostly decent RE4 commercials. Brought Shadow Hearts: Covenant, Paper Mario 2 and Baten Kaitos back from class, so maybe I won't spend money until Musashi Samurai Legend comes out--which has, thus far, gotten extremely mixed reviews. If it's like its predecessor, especially if it has the action figure store, it'll be worth an investment.

Feel like a little too much spyware is running on my machine. My roommate's DVD collection and mail was scattered about my side of the room when I got back--he has been using my trash can without new trash bags, too... it was weird.

Visited DeKalb's University Plaza aparments--very likely where I'll be living next year. Is much, much better than Grant Towers North, if still screaming "yeah, college undergrads live here and that's about it." Still need to email Philosophy, Aud Physics, Statistics, and Coms professors--though it seems my English class is in order if I didn't mention that. Also should explain why I haven't sent 1 email to the Creative Writing Workshop since it largely went e-mail based the weekend I almost died... but I feel very largely unmotivated to explain anything. Or to start working.

Even though, quality of the self-rip noted as far, far too low, boa's new album is excellent--it's much harder than Twilight, and there really wasn't anything that, listening to every song but once, I felt like, 'that's the new Duvet!' but it's good changes. It's like the instrumentalists added some 16G, Jasmine took a step back a'la Supercar (though still wails better than any other woman I've ever heard), and it, overall, sounds more "full." No songs I felt like skipping, even though my rip quality (ripped to my mom's computer) drowned out lyrics and allowed very little minor-quality interpretation. It's good.

Maybe I'll start Covenant tonight... don't feel like hooking up the Gamecube even though I'm on the last hours of both KH: Chain of Memories and Paper Mario 2. And am half way through Baten Kaitos... eh, maybe I will finish Paper Mario 2. Adult Swim Sundays have kind of sucked for the last 3 months, even if this new Robot Chicken thing is vainly interesting (more for what it looks like what they use to make it than for what is actually there--the stop-motion/clay-mation style).

Still not writing, still not doing much of anything... trying to sleep and not really even doing that well. Insomnia I expect will remain a problem until I finally teach my body that midnight is a good hour to start sleeping--something I unlearned about 14 months ago.

Might be a good time to start socializing again... if people are around town and willing to lug me around with them (still not feeling up to driving, and my brother works during the week from, eh, 10-10 or so and takes the nice car I used to drive) don't be afraid to say something.

But maybe motivation is returning... listening to Get There this afternoon reminded me of good things.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Plans within plans

It has been kind of cold--every now and then my body shivers an awkward breath that fills my yet-damaged lungs and I let out a shallow cough. My nose still feels like it is more used to an oxygen ring hanging from it, still bleeding in the morning. My vision gets weak long before my mind tires... double-vision, blue pulses running across my eyes; I have to close them, sometimes for hours.

And I can hardly begin to imagine the work load I need to start stabbing at next week--even if I drop COMS100 and PHYS180, I'm not so sure I can catch back up.

I almost started playing my brother's copy of Metal Gear Solid 3 this afternoon, but I decided I didn't want to play anything that "real" or that "slow." I'll try renting Devil May Cry 3 this weekend because I think it's more of what I'm desiring at the moment--relentless carnage, killing demons in a red coat, with cutscenes directed by Ryuhei Kitamura (Mr. Versus).

It's not all bad. My lack of motivation has rarely been worse since before highschool, and I'm still too weak to drive safely or sprint. But I finished watching Broken Saints last night--damned good ending--and I'm back in town.

Broken Saints was good. The beginning was too slow, the middle felt muddled (though that could have been part the setting I watched it in--in my hospital bed), but the end was perfectly stated. The characters were made likable and the story refocused at just the right second and it worked--affirmative messages amidst a plotline filled with absolute despairing horror. The divine aspect, though making it something I feel a bit more self-conscious about when watching in company, worked well too. It was a good order.

I haven't listened to Get There yet, though I did put it on my MP3 player yesterday. Since it's no longer February, I have even less reason to believe boa might disappoint me, but I haven't listened to it yet.

Will be heading to DeKalb to pick up my computer, books, and syllabi over the weekend--probably Sunday. I could likely survive if I went back to class on Monday, but I am unmotivated--especially regarding school. I want to continue my break from responsibility until that morning in mid-March when I'll wake up and know, beyond shadow's doubt, "February is behind me." Because that moment has been as constant as February has been bad, the best February in memory being Sophomore year and things didn't pick up until the next month back then either.

But February is over... the realization will soon come. My computer will soon be back in my basement, and I hope to soon start Devil May Cry 3. Another day of complete lethargy, just one more, and I think I'll have some purpose again.

I haven't written anything creative in a month.

Though I did work on some ideas at the hospital--Frigo and Seth heard one of them.

There's the awkward breath again, but no cough this time--my chest welled with air and released too quickly, like a last gasp before known onset poison...

...poison. Other thoughts have been familiar again. Wondering if maybe this set back might have set me back far enough to see a clearer picture... so far, not really.

But Ray in Broken Saints had it right: plans within plans, patterns within patterns.

Some new plans, new patterns are starting... I am unsurprised how familiar most of them feel.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

i live

Missed, now, more than 10 days of classes, missed watching GWAR movies with Frigo the other weekend, and missed the one thing I've been looking forward to since the start of the semester--

but I didn't die.

And I almost did. Stomach flu turned into septic shock and pnemeniua (not going to bother with spelling for a few days if that's wrong) and I got discharged from the hospital around noon today (having checked in Friday, February 18th).

Lots in the air right now--I'm not going back to DeKalb until after Spring Break most likely, which might translate to not returning at all until next semester. I've missed a lot of class, homework, tests.

Close call, but I live.